On December 28, 2008 my Aunt Carroll was called home. She had been battling numerous health issues and finally that day her body decided she had fought long and hard enough. It finally let her go somewhere she could be healthy and happy again. Recently for some reason I can't stop thinking about her. I believe in Heaven but to be honest I can't really imagine what it is like. Is there a reason I can't stop thinking about her lately? Is it because she is up in Heaven thinking of me? Or is it because with every day I watch my children grow I know life is so extremely short and she missed seeing all of this? I have no answers but sadness that she isn't around to see my kids grow up. She isn't around to go on crazy shopping trips with my Mom. I miss her because she would always have some incredible way of putting my Dad in his place at family gatherings and he would actually listen. Her death made such an impact on our family but no one talks about it much. I also miss being able to sit around the table and talk about wines with her. I just miss her and that hole will never be filled. Death is always so much more painful for the living. For the ones left behind to have to get past this and keep on living.
I hope there is a Heaven and that all we have been taught and told does exist. I hope we all get to go there and we do get that special reunion we have all been told and taught. I really hope it exists. I hope I see my Grandparents and the ones I never got to meet. I hope I get to see my niece who was just to precious for this world to be dancing around and laughing with her bouncy curly brown hair. I guess all we can do is just close our eyes and imagine what Heaven would be like and just realize how precious life is. Deaths greatest gift is to remind us to live life to the fullest. I believe death allows us to live and love that much more. Death reminds us how quickly things can change and to not have any regrets because there is no reset button for life. We only get one shot. Death is part of living.
Here is a great song that reminds us Heaven got another Angel .
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-hASQH9EfQA&feature=g-like&context=G207aca4ALTyDT0gAHAA
To all who we have lost, you are gone but never forgotten.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Monday, August 30, 2010
You have the exact body you want
Yes, you read that title correctly. It's a very true statement and today I had my epiphany about my body as I hoisted a girdle over my pudgy body to squeeze my heaviness into a dress I bought for a wedding I swore I'd lose weight for I realized I did this to myself. Now I am not saying I spent many days and nights wolfing down boxes of chocolate to get this way but I did do this to myself. I had two children.
Prior to being pregnant my entire life I struggled with being a little chubby but nothing like I am now. I was about 15 lbs heavier then I should have been all my life but after college I FINALLY figured out how to lose weight thanks to weight watchers. I learned about nutrition and how to really be accountable for what goes in my mouth. I lost 34 lbs and was finally a size 4. But a couple of years later I got pregnant with my first child and I didn't just gain 25 lbs with that pregnancy. It was more along the lines of 50 lbs. After my daughter was born I was not very good at working out. I really could have lost the weight but I didn't really get serious about weight loss until she was almost 2 years old and the very month I joined the gym God blessed me with the pregnancy of my second child. I was so fortunate to have to completely perfect pregnancies I can't complain too much. But I didn't turn down much food when I was pregnant with either children. The first time the weight did seem to melt off much quicker then it has the 2nd time. Actually there is no melting of any sorts going in here with this 2nd post pregnancy period. People always said 'breast feeding will just melt the weight off' . HA! I now weigh more then I ever have in my life. It's terrifying to look at myself in the mirror.
Something I realized as I looked at my girth in the mirror is I am in for the fight of my life to lose this weight and be proud of my body. I mean, I am realistic, I am not trying to get the body of a super model. I am just trying to have a body of a woman who is in her early 30's and is not afraid to wear a one piece swim suit to the pool with my kids. Yes, that is right, a one-piece swim suit. I don't have expectations to be a bikini model in my 30's I just want to look good and feel good about myself. So today starts my mission. I want to gain enough self confidence that I will lose all this weight and teach my daughters that it's important to live a healthy active lifestyle.
Prior to being pregnant my entire life I struggled with being a little chubby but nothing like I am now. I was about 15 lbs heavier then I should have been all my life but after college I FINALLY figured out how to lose weight thanks to weight watchers. I learned about nutrition and how to really be accountable for what goes in my mouth. I lost 34 lbs and was finally a size 4. But a couple of years later I got pregnant with my first child and I didn't just gain 25 lbs with that pregnancy. It was more along the lines of 50 lbs. After my daughter was born I was not very good at working out. I really could have lost the weight but I didn't really get serious about weight loss until she was almost 2 years old and the very month I joined the gym God blessed me with the pregnancy of my second child. I was so fortunate to have to completely perfect pregnancies I can't complain too much. But I didn't turn down much food when I was pregnant with either children. The first time the weight did seem to melt off much quicker then it has the 2nd time. Actually there is no melting of any sorts going in here with this 2nd post pregnancy period. People always said 'breast feeding will just melt the weight off' . HA! I now weigh more then I ever have in my life. It's terrifying to look at myself in the mirror.
Something I realized as I looked at my girth in the mirror is I am in for the fight of my life to lose this weight and be proud of my body. I mean, I am realistic, I am not trying to get the body of a super model. I am just trying to have a body of a woman who is in her early 30's and is not afraid to wear a one piece swim suit to the pool with my kids. Yes, that is right, a one-piece swim suit. I don't have expectations to be a bikini model in my 30's I just want to look good and feel good about myself. So today starts my mission. I want to gain enough self confidence that I will lose all this weight and teach my daughters that it's important to live a healthy active lifestyle.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Dusting
Today I began dusting the office. Since the birth of my second child I have spent very little time in my office. While I am still on maternity leave I find it hard to go back into that room that symbolizes "work". It's ironic really that since being on maternity leave I have never worked so much in my life but I consider that office to symbolize "work". For me that room makes me remember that while I get to spend my days coloring with my 2 yr old and my nights feeding my newborn that soon I will have to return to work. That room to me symbolizes depression.
I could have a much worse job. I work from home which is wonderful. However, that's the extent of the perks. As my daughter grows each day I know that soon and very very soon I will have to return to work and not be a full time mom. While, overall, I have accepted that I will never get to be a stay at home/full time mom part of me still wishes it could happen. When my first daughter was born I would pray every night for this dream of mine to come true. She's 2 1/2 now and I have accepted it won't happen. When I got pregnant with my 2nd child I made it clear that I didn't want to work after the baby was born, but reality set in somewhere around month 5 that there would be no staying home for me.
I try to stay positive and hope that maybe the fact that I worked while my children were little not totally scar them for life. Maybe they will admire that I kept working. I am a daughter of a working mom as well. Except my Mom worked because she wanted to. She stayed home with us for 15 years and when I was 7 she went back to work. I would like to do it that way but I know that won't happen. So at least I count my blessings. I have two healthy children and a job that is flexible. In today's world that is about all we can ask for.
I could have a much worse job. I work from home which is wonderful. However, that's the extent of the perks. As my daughter grows each day I know that soon and very very soon I will have to return to work and not be a full time mom. While, overall, I have accepted that I will never get to be a stay at home/full time mom part of me still wishes it could happen. When my first daughter was born I would pray every night for this dream of mine to come true. She's 2 1/2 now and I have accepted it won't happen. When I got pregnant with my 2nd child I made it clear that I didn't want to work after the baby was born, but reality set in somewhere around month 5 that there would be no staying home for me.
I try to stay positive and hope that maybe the fact that I worked while my children were little not totally scar them for life. Maybe they will admire that I kept working. I am a daughter of a working mom as well. Except my Mom worked because she wanted to. She stayed home with us for 15 years and when I was 7 she went back to work. I would like to do it that way but I know that won't happen. So at least I count my blessings. I have two healthy children and a job that is flexible. In today's world that is about all we can ask for.
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